4 Out of 32: Selfie Challenge

I ended January by completing my fourth out of 32 things to do before 32.  It was a project I actually started on the 1st day of January, which was to do a 30 day selfie challenge.  This plays into my whole body image insecurities that I spoke about in an earlier post.

I really don't love having my picture taken.  I'm not photogenic and only have a few pictures of myself that I actually like.  I'll pose for pictures with friends because I like having those memories, but I know that I'm always going to think everyone else looks perfect and I don't.  So this was a challenge to take 30 pictures of myself and post them on Instagram.  There are a number of Instragram projects like this floating around with different hashtags.  I chose to use #abeautifulmess because of all the ones that seemed the most appropriate.

I took pictures from all different angles and some are more flattering than others.  This was deliberate.  I have this perception that everyone else always looks great and I always look terrible.  I have come to realize that most people feel this way about themselves.  I want to stop the cycle of always feeling inferior when it comes to my body and face.

Does that mean that after 30 days of self photos I have no body images issues and think I'm incredible looking?  Of course not.  But this is my attempt to say to myself that even though I'm not "perfect" (whatever that may be) I'm a beautiful person, even with what I consider to be flaws.

By no means am I radiating with self confidence at this point, but it is a small step towards that.  You can view my photos at my Instagram profile.  It was a 30 day challenge, but I finished today because I skipped a day by accident.  That's okay...this isn't the year about being perfect.  This is the year about being imperfect and accepting that.

3 out of 32: Adopt a Pet

I have wanted a pet for years.  I had cats when I was very little mostly because my mother had married into them.  Twinkie and Tigris were a package deal with my dad.  My mom wasn't really a pet person so aside from goldfish won at hometown fairs and my sister Sarah's pet hamster (Keith Moon) we didn't have many pets in our elementary and high school years.

I love dogs and growing up Sarah and I would beg for a puppy.  But dogs require a lot of love and attention.  Even if I could rationalize paying for a dog walker, I don't think I'd be a good dog owner at this point in my life.  I'd only see the dog while getting ready for work and an hour (if I'm lucky) at night.  As much as I would love a dog, it wouldn't be fair to have me as an owner.

There are cats, but I had those as a kid.  I also do have this irrational fear of becoming the crazy single lady who lives alone with her cats.  This is what lead me to looking into rabbits.  I have loved rabbits since I was a little kid.  Bunnies are so cute.  I never really thought of them as pets though.  In NYC I know a few people who have rabbits for pets.  They are a good city pet when you think about it  They are easy to litter box train, don't need to be exercised, and are pretty inexpensive to maintain.  After you buy their pen, supplies, and toys, the only real cost is food which is fresh greens, hay, and fiber pellets.

My friend Izzy had recommended getting a rescue rabbit.  I loved the idea of giving a pet in need a home.  I fell in love with Milo last weekend.  He is a New Zealand mix, he is white and had pink eyes like a New Zealand, but they think he is mixed because of his size.  He is smaller than a New Zealand.

I ordered all of his things and was planning on picking him up today, but there was a delay in his stuff getting here.  I thought I was going to have to wait until tomorrow because the volunteers are only there until 5, but Susan (who is amazing) stayed until after 7 so I could pick up Milo tonight.  She told me that he was a special and loving boy and was so happy he was getting a home.

He is a little love bug.  He wasn't scared of me at all.  He was a little shy about his new surroundings but grew curious as he got comfortable with his playpen.  We had our first exercise time where I let him out of the pen for a while and it went well.  He was less interested in toys than he was running around the perimeter of the room.  He is a little love bug who loves to be petted, burrowing, fleece blankets, and eating lots of hay.

I hope to give him a little more our of cage time everyday so we can get to the point where when I'm home he can be out of his playpen.  We're still getting to know each other, but I already love this little guy so much.  It will be nice to come home to him waiting every night.

 Milo climbing on my lap

Embracing Imperfection

While I was going through things in my mom's house last month I came across all my records from Pre School through High School.  This included everything from awards, programs of school plays, and report cards.  Looking through report cards through grade school there would be comments every quarter from the teachers and then a space for parents to leave comments back.  My sister and I found it funny that there would be teacher comments that said things like "Paula is bright", "Paula is a joy in class," etc and my mom's comments were always "Paula could do better."

I can laugh about it now, but I remember always being stressed out by my weaknesses and areas where I wasn't "perfect" (yes that still freaks me out).  I don't think my mom made comments like that to be mean, I think they were meant to push me to do even better, but is good enough at something such a bad thing?

Photo by Greg McMullin 

I sometimes stress out because I see people around me who are brilliant in ways I could never dream of. They tend to excel in one particular area and shine brighter than everyone else.  I'm not like that and I never have been.  I'm good at lots of things, but I've never found one thing that I'm great at.  Maybe that isn't such a bad thing though.

Think about it.  Would you rather have a friend who was one of the following: the best listener, the most thoughtful, the smartest, etc or would you rather have a friend who was a good listener, thoughtful, smart etc?  The people I admire most both personally and professionally are people who seem to do well in a number of areas, but aren't necessarily a rock star in one particular sector of their lives.  They don't have to be because being good at a lot of little things adds up to being a great person.  So the lesson to be had is to give myself a break.  I don't want to kill myself trying to be great when I think I could be happy with just being good.

Love Letters

There is no better surprise when you drag your tired ass home on a typical weeknight after a day of work and errands to find mail (aside from bills) waiting for you. Tonight it was so nice to come home to a card from my friend Sam who lives in Cleveland.  It was a just because note (in my opinion the best kind of note) saying that it was nice seeing me when I was in town last month and just reinforcing how important our friendship is.

I am a huge fan of snail mail and personal notes.  Email is great and convenient at work, but I hate it in my personal life.  My good friends know if they want to reach me by email to email me at my work address because I check my personal email once or twice a month these days if I'm lucky.  My really good friends know not to email me at all but communicate with me some other way.  

When I was in Cleveland and cleaning out my mom's house I was going through my things from childhood through to grad school and one of the most precious things I came across were letters and notes I had saved from college.  These included drawings and notes from little girls I babysat in high school writing me to say they missed me since I had moved, letters from my friend Tommy who graduated a couple years before me and was sharing his experiences volunteering in South America, notes from my girlfriends Elissa, Julie, and Amy where we bared our souls about our fears and dreams for the future.  

I used to be so good a writing notes and cards.  Now aside from Thank You notes I'm really bad at it.  I want to make writing letters and notes more often part of my journey towards balance this year because it is something that is important to me. Getting mail like my note today and rereading these old letters makes me feel so amazing. It is a reinforcement of being loved and valued by others.  I want my friends to experience the joy of coming home to a random note just telling them how much they mean to me.  

I'm sure I come across as a bit sappy and I probably am.  However through losing family and friends over the course of my life I've come to believe that you shouldn't wait for tomorrow to tell someone how much they mean to you because tomorrow isn't a guarantee...but today is.  

Daddy's Girl

I had mentioned in an earlier post that I had lost both of my parents.  My mother passed away less than two years ago, but my father passed away 20 years ago when I was 11.  It is so weird to think that you have lived more years of your life without someone you love than you did with them their.  That dawned on me my senior year of college when I realized I'd lived more years without my father than I did with him.

Even though I was young I still have very vivid memories of my daddy.  I can still hear him telling me some of his jokes or feel him giving me a bear hug.  I was young, but everyone knew I was a daddy's girl from day one.  When I lost him it left a big hole in my heart.  Like with any loss time heals things and the hole gets smaller.  You learn to let other people in and love you, but the hole never closes completely.  I'm glad of that for two reasons.  1. Even though it hurts I feel better knowing my heart hasn't completely turned to stone because I can still miss him.  2. The thing that probably makes me the saddest is there are so many wonderful people in my life who will never have the opportunity to know this wonderful man, because they came into my life after I lost him.  Talking about him and remembering him keeps a little bit of him alive for me.

2 Out of 32: Submit to a Literary Journal

I'm happy to report that I've completed my 2nd accomplishment on my 32 before 32 challenge.  That was to send a work of fiction to a literary magazine.  I've been a freelance writer professionally (in addition to my full time jobs) for over five years.  I've had success with getting service pieces and personal essays published.  I have always love writing fiction though too.

When I had less work commitments I used to belong to a writing group that would meet once a week and critique each other's chapters.  I really miss being able to do that.  In 2013 I did very little writing because I was focused primarily on other things that were going on in my life.  So this year I want to make writing a priority again.  I had a vignette style novel I had been working on several years ago.  The origins and some of the pieces for this novel go back as far as college.  I reworked the first three chapters of this over the past few weeks and have been sharing my first vignette of the series with a couple of writer friend/colleagues whose opinions I really value.

For some reason I've always been afraid to send out my fiction.  In fact I haven't sent out fiction since I had a short story published in my college literary magazine when I was a student.  So I got up the nerve to send my fiction out to a publication and I plan on sending out more of my work throughout this year. It doesn't matter if it gets accepted or rejected.  What matters is I had the guts to put it out there.

Photograph by Rachel K

Playing Parts

Singing in a school talent show with my little sister (I was in 1st grade & she was in kindergarten)

I was cast in my first play when I was in kindergarten and from then on I was hooked on performing.  I still love theater.  I haven't performed since college, but love going to shows.  When I was little I wanted to be an actress (I think most little girls go through that period).  Performing is like a security blanket in the sense that you can be a completely different person.  You can hide behind the masks of costumes and characters so that when people are laughing at you, it isn't really you.  

Me in costume for a high school fundraiser

Masks are fine on stage, but it's when we wear them outside of the theater that they can become a handicap.  People always assume that if you are a performer that you are extremely extroverted.  I do love people and being social, but when it comes to being open about what I'm vulnerable about I'm very introverted.  I'm a very guarded person.  I want to start letting my guard down a little, be more open about how situations make me feel and not be afraid to share that, that is a big challenge for me.  I need to get over my off stage fright.  

With fellow cast members in a college production of The Elephant Man

Balance

Photo by Nathalie Babineau-Griffiths 

Balance is something that I think everyone struggles with at one point or another.  We have so many different areas of our lives: work, relationships, health and well being.  I constantly struggle with the pendulum swing of feeling like if I'm doing really well in one area then I am doing poorly in the other areas.  

One of my goals is to find a better balance in my life.  I need to sweat the small stuff less and learn that not everything in life is a priority.  I am a type A person who always thinks that I could be doing a better job.  I don't want 2014 to be the year of work success, having the best relationship of my life, or taking a long self reflective journey.  If any or all of those things happy that's gravy, but I want this to be the year of balance.  I want to say no when I'm being asked to take on too much, I want to make time for friends, but feel comfortable saying no to invites when I just need a day to myself, I want to put myself out there and date more, but not stress about finding Mr. Right, and I want to be truly comfortable in my own skin.  That sounds like a lot and perhaps it is, but balance is sort of like your spine: if one vertebrae is out of whack your whole back hurts.  

So let this be my year of balance.  I'm going to focus on each of the areas of my life and give them a little bit of equal attention rather than obsessing over just one of the components that make up me.   

Photo by ga.mike 

Entertaining

I love to entertain.  It is one of my favorite things to do.  People are always surprised when I invite them over for a party or for dinner the first time because I am the opposite of a homebody.  I was back in Ohio, where I grew up the past couple of weeks.  It was great seeing friends, but I was ready to return to my life of chaos which is filled with exploring new places and experiences and rarely being home.

I do relish those moments in my apartment though.  I don't have a huge budget and was lucky enough to have a lot of furniture and home goods gifted to me by my older sister and some friends.  Slowly I acquire my own finds so that every time friends come over the apartment feels a little more like me. Atmosphere is important because I always want my guests to be comfortable.

Can you tell one of my heroes is Mary Tyler Moore?

Speaking of budgets, you don't have to have a trust fun to put on a great party.  Trader Joe's, Farmer's Markets, The Dollar Store, Home Goods, Thrift Stores, and Flea Markets make entertaining even on the tightest budget possible.

I define entertaining very broadly.  To me entertaining is whenever you open your home up to someone.  For me this includes parties and gatherings, hosting meals, having overnight guests, and even just having a friend come by for a cup of coffee or to watch a movie.

In the Entertaining section of this blog I'll be posting tips, images from parties, recipes, etc.  I haven't ruled out starting an entertaining website in the future or writing a book on the subject, but one thing at a time.  This is a good place to start time commitment wise and my theme for 2014 is just seeing where things take me organically.

Jo Malone candles (on sale), Bergamot oil reeds, a gifted white elephant, and a motto I love 

Owning It

So the first thing I did on my 32 Before 32 list was to start this blog.  If you know me this might not seem like something new or a stretch for me.  I've been freelancing writing for about five years now.  I've also had different blogs in the past.  I had a blog when I first moved to NYC that was more for sharing fun experiences I was having exploring my new home with friends and family.  I also had a blog that I used a pseudonym for about my weight loss experience at the time and I had a very underground blog that was more of a catalogue of bad dates that I went on.  After a couple of years or several months I'd get bored with these projects and abandon them.  None of them felt like me or what I wanted to get out of a blog.

So I wanted to challenge myself to start a blog without really having a theme or specific purpose in mind.  The only rules I gave myself was that it had to be in my voice, had to be completely honest, and I needed to be open to where this may take me.

During the past couple of weeks I've been visiting my little sister.  She still lives in the house we grew up in and during this visit we've been going through a lot of photographs and unearthing items we haven't seen in years.  This simple task has been very bittersweet.  As we go through photos I've been making copies for an album for me to keep in my apartment in New York.  I noticed at first that while I was grabbing photos of family members, high school and college friends, etc I was picking very few photos that included me. The reason is simple I was an overweight kid and it wasn't until I moved to New York and really found a nutrition and fitness lifestyle that worked for me that I slimmed down to a weight that is health and easy for me to maintain.

I'm really happy with how healthy I look and feel, but there are still image issues that I struggle with.  I can fixate on things that I perceive to be flaws like not having a flat stomach, flabby upper arms, hair that I never does what I or hair products want it to do, etc.  When people complement me on my looks there is a part of me that doesn't believe them and thinks that I they are just being polite or at really low times I think they are really making fun of me.  When I go on dates there is a part of me that thinks I can't get too intimate because if I show a guy old photos of me he will dump me.

These inner demons of low self esteem and self doubt are something that I don't want to hold me back anymore.  I could take some lessons from that chubby girl I used to be.  She was ballsy, marched to her own drummer, and was fearless about just being herself.  Fortunately she is me so I just learn how have the same confidence with a different exterior.  I really do believe it is the inside of a person that counts so I need to apply the way I feel about other people to myself.

32 Before 32

I spent New Year's Eve 2013 with my friend Jenn, who I've known since high school.  Jenn is one of the most creative and daring people I know.  She had mentioned a Thirty Before 30 Challenge she has been working on.  In between her last birthday and her upcoming birthday she has challenged herself to experience 30 new things she has always wanted or needed to.  I found this really inspiring and so much better than a new year's resolution.

Photo by Sally Mahoney

I missed the boat on doing a Thirty Before 30 Challenge.  I turned 30 a year and a half ago and thought it was going to be this amazing milestone.  However, five days before my birthday I lost my mother who had been diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor two and a half years earlier.  My father had past years earlier after a heart attack.  I've had to grow up a lot earlier than I would have liked to.  Even though I am in my 30s there is still a part of me that feels like an orphaned little girl.  There are moments when life gets a bit harder than normal and at those times I do wish I had a parent to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Although it doesn't substitute a mom or dad I am very lucky to have a number of amazing friends and family members in my life.  Since I wasn't in a celebratory mood for my real 30th birthday they surprised my for my 31st.  My NYC crew of friends took me out for a laid back evening of drinks, eats, and quality time with each other.  My friends Justin and Anthony threw me the nicest dinner party I have ever been to.  They took over my apartment and served a five start multi course feast for a group of close friends and family.  Despite any hardships I have, I know that I can get through them because I have this group of loving and wonderful people in my life.

Since I never had the opportunity to do a 30 Before Thirty, I am challenging myself before my next birthday.  I'll be 32 this August and in between now and then I have a goal to meet.  This is a combination of 32 new experiences to have and challenges to rise to.  I have 25 specific experiences/challenges I have come up with and the other seven I leave to chance (I like to leave room for life's little surprises).

I'll post these 32 experiences here as I complete them.

Welcome

I'm not quite sure what brings you here.  Most likely you are a friend or family member of mine. Whatever the reason is, welcome.

I'm not an expert, guru, or would be celebrity blogger.  I'm just a gal who loves to pursue new challenges, further my knowledge in my areas of passion, and writing is my creative outlet.  

I'm not amazing, but I am constantly amazed by life and where it takes me.