14 Out of 32: Help Others

I used to volunteer on a regular basis when I was a student.  When I first moved to NYC I would do some one off volunteering with God's Love We Deliver and Transportation Alternatives.  I have been wanting to volunteer on a more regular basis but it challenging for a few reasons.  1. A lot of the organizations I'm interested in helping don't really need volunteers at this point or need people on weekdays when I am working.  2. Time in general it is hard to commit to always being free at a given day or time every week.

I wanted to volunteer about something I was really passionate about and an opportunity presented itself to me.  Sparkpeople is a health and fitness website that I love.  I recently had the opportunity to lead one of the teams.  It is fun setting up fitness challenges, encouraging others, and being willing to share my story.  Vulnerability isn't my strong suit, so this is a good way to push myself.

This wasn't the type of volunteering I had in mind when I set this goal for myself, but this year is all about surprising myself.  

Photo by Oklanica 

8 out of 32: Treat Myself Better

Ending out the month by finishing another thing on my list .  I'm fitting in about 4 things a month which is a good number considering I had about 8 1/2 months when I started.  This averages out to around 4 things a month, so way to keep on track girl.

February was about splurging a bit.  Now by splurging I don't mean throwing all caution to the wind, but I do mean treating myself a bit.  I'm certainly not a tight wad when it comes to money, but I have noticed a pattern in myself over the past few years.  I am so good about spending money on other people: offering to pick up the tab when out with friends, buying treats for co-workers for no reason, etc. These are all nice things to do, but I realize that I do it a bit too often and sometimes for the wrong reason.  I will buy a friend dinner or a drink because he or she spent time with me on a heart to heart conversation.   I realize that turns into paying for someone to be your friend which cheapens the relationship and I'm also not the wealthiest girl.  I'll forfeit buying myself something like new clothes or something I need for the apt because I decided it was a better use of my money to buy a gift for no reason for someone else.

So I wanted February to be about me.  I didn't go crazy but I did allow myself to get some new outfits (size 4/6 thank you very much), have a nice tea at the Plaza with a friend, go out for restaurant week, and get a couple things for the apt.

 I won't have months like this every month, but it is important to remind myself that I'm worth doing nice things for. Now if February was about treating and splurging than March will have quite a different focus.  We're getting down to business now.  Some of these upcoming challenges will be a bit harder, but if it ain't hard it ain't a challenge.

Seeing Isn't Always Believing

I have been thinking lately about what I'd like to do when I grow up.  Friends ask me what I could see myself doing in Five or Ten years.  I hate that question because in truth I don't know, but what I do know is I would love to do something where my job is to make people feel better about themselves.  It bothers me when I see brilliant friends lacking confidence in their abilities, talented friends who are mortified at sharing their gifts because they aren't good enough, and beautiful people who think they aren't attractive.  I want to shake them and yell "why can't you see what I see", but I can't do that because I realize I don't see what other people see.

I spoke in an earlier post  about my body image issues.  I have never been as healthy or as small as I am currently yet I often feel inadequate.  I still often feel like the largest person in the room even though that isn't true.  To give myself some much needed perspective I looked up famous women who are my size and found out that I could swap outfits with J Lo, Beyonce, Kate Winslet, and Cindy Crawford.  I'm wear a smaller size than a number of other famous women whom I consider to be gorgeous.  So then why can't I cut myself some slack?  It goes back to the old adage of we're all our on worst enemies.  But I have to let it go.  Why?  If I'm my worst enemy then how can I be a friend to someone else?  If I don't believe others when they tell me I'm beautiful then why should they believe me when I say it about them?        

Love

Valentine's Day is a holiday that most people love or boycott with a passion.  I personally fall somewhere in the middle.  I love vintage cards and bringing in treats for friends and coworkers.  But, I don't go in for the whole romance thing.  Even when I'm seeing someone around Valentine's Day I think it is better to do something low key since saying and showing someone that you care should be something you do everyday.

Photo by Leland Francisco 

This year I found myself in the in between being in a relationship and single.  I've been here before and it can be a confusing place.  I started seeing someone and we really like each other.  We have a lot of common interests, have great conversation, and the chemistry is fantastic.  Under normal circumstances we could have a relationship, but he doesn't live here and is only temporarily here for work.  I'm okay with the arrangement of seeing each other, but not pursuing this as something that will last beyond his stay.  It's good to have a fling every so often.  I find myself particularly guarded though,  I didn't want to do anything for V Day because I think it creates a lot of pressure.

What I do have to keep in check is myself.  Whenever I'm in this in between sort of relationship I have to ask myself is this perhaps the best type of relationship for me since I am so focused on work and other things in my life or do I allow myself to have something casual and temporary because I don't think I'm worth more than that.  In truth I don't know the answer, but I'm a work in progress.

So what is it I want in the future?  I don't have a biological clock issue.  I've never thought I'd be incomplete if I didn't get married or have kids.  I haven't ruled those things out as possibilities, but they aren't things I really think about.  I do think that I would like companionship in the future.  I'd like a guy whose my best friend and lover.  I don't know if that means marriage or even living together, again those aren't things I get hung up about, but the sliver of a hopeless romantic in me thinks that there is someone out there for me.

But enough with the mush.  If there is one thing I have learned it is I'd rather be single than with the wrong person.  I continue to be open to the possibility of love, but it isn't something I let consume me.

Playing Parts

Singing in a school talent show with my little sister (I was in 1st grade & she was in kindergarten)

I was cast in my first play when I was in kindergarten and from then on I was hooked on performing.  I still love theater.  I haven't performed since college, but love going to shows.  When I was little I wanted to be an actress (I think most little girls go through that period).  Performing is like a security blanket in the sense that you can be a completely different person.  You can hide behind the masks of costumes and characters so that when people are laughing at you, it isn't really you.  

Me in costume for a high school fundraiser

Masks are fine on stage, but it's when we wear them outside of the theater that they can become a handicap.  People always assume that if you are a performer that you are extremely extroverted.  I do love people and being social, but when it comes to being open about what I'm vulnerable about I'm very introverted.  I'm a very guarded person.  I want to start letting my guard down a little, be more open about how situations make me feel and not be afraid to share that, that is a big challenge for me.  I need to get over my off stage fright.  

With fellow cast members in a college production of The Elephant Man

Owning It

So the first thing I did on my 32 Before 32 list was to start this blog.  If you know me this might not seem like something new or a stretch for me.  I've been freelancing writing for about five years now.  I've also had different blogs in the past.  I had a blog when I first moved to NYC that was more for sharing fun experiences I was having exploring my new home with friends and family.  I also had a blog that I used a pseudonym for about my weight loss experience at the time and I had a very underground blog that was more of a catalogue of bad dates that I went on.  After a couple of years or several months I'd get bored with these projects and abandon them.  None of them felt like me or what I wanted to get out of a blog.

So I wanted to challenge myself to start a blog without really having a theme or specific purpose in mind.  The only rules I gave myself was that it had to be in my voice, had to be completely honest, and I needed to be open to where this may take me.

During the past couple of weeks I've been visiting my little sister.  She still lives in the house we grew up in and during this visit we've been going through a lot of photographs and unearthing items we haven't seen in years.  This simple task has been very bittersweet.  As we go through photos I've been making copies for an album for me to keep in my apartment in New York.  I noticed at first that while I was grabbing photos of family members, high school and college friends, etc I was picking very few photos that included me. The reason is simple I was an overweight kid and it wasn't until I moved to New York and really found a nutrition and fitness lifestyle that worked for me that I slimmed down to a weight that is health and easy for me to maintain.

I'm really happy with how healthy I look and feel, but there are still image issues that I struggle with.  I can fixate on things that I perceive to be flaws like not having a flat stomach, flabby upper arms, hair that I never does what I or hair products want it to do, etc.  When people complement me on my looks there is a part of me that doesn't believe them and thinks that I they are just being polite or at really low times I think they are really making fun of me.  When I go on dates there is a part of me that thinks I can't get too intimate because if I show a guy old photos of me he will dump me.

These inner demons of low self esteem and self doubt are something that I don't want to hold me back anymore.  I could take some lessons from that chubby girl I used to be.  She was ballsy, marched to her own drummer, and was fearless about just being herself.  Fortunately she is me so I just learn how have the same confidence with a different exterior.  I really do believe it is the inside of a person that counts so I need to apply the way I feel about other people to myself.