Finding Home

Last month I talked about the theme for this year of trying to see everything as an opportunity and looking for open doors.  This month I've been thinking a lot about home.  What is a home?  Who makes up your home?  I have two wonderful sisters and they are my family.  They both have significant others and extended families as a result.  I don't feel left out by my sisters at all, but there are times where it does feel a bit like odd man out, particularly around holidays.  I'm never left out, but there are times when I choose to bow out of functions because I don't quite fit into the mix.

This doesn't make me wish I was in a relationship.  I actually think that is a really dangerous path I've witnessed some friends go down, pursuing relationships because everyone around them is in a couple.  I don't see single hood as the issue, for me any way.  The issue is what is home?  Who is home?  Where am I comfortable in my own skin?

I've been obsessed with reading books by Rebecca Solnit lately. She writes on topics that are obsessions of mine, walking, getting lost, etc.  In a book of her's that I am currently reading, The Far Away Nearby she focuses on storytelling and empathy.  There was a passage that stuck out to me as I've been reflecting on home.  "...places were more reliable than human beings, and often much longer-lasting..."  That may seem cold, but I've lived in New York for over seven years now.  Friends come and go, but the city is constant.  Is that my home?

Photo by Zara Gonzalez 

Lately I have also been obsessed with purging my apartment of things I don't need/want.  My hope is to eventually update the layout and decor to reflect myself better.  I've always been a renter and never a property owner, yet I'm very interested in making this place feel more like me.  Is my apartment my home?

Friends are also key.  I have friends both near and far.  I don't get to see many of my friends as often as I would like, but my closest friends and I are always able to pick up where we left off.  Is that home?

The answer I think is all of the above are home.  It isn't a place or a particular person, but a weaving of both past and present.  Any gaps I feel or moments of displacement are like rooms that are bare.  They are there I just need to figure out what to fill them with.

25 Out of 32: Reconnecting

I'm very lucky because I have friends all over the place.  I've lived in four different places and have friends in all of those cities still as well as friends who have moved to other places.  One of the hardest things has been maintaining friendships when you no longer live in the same place.  I've also found as I get older and my work life has become a bigger priority it has also become harder to find time for friends who do live in NYC too.

Photo by Billy Brown 

In the past few months I've made a concerted effort to reconnect.  I'm not a big emailer or texter...call me old fashioned. So I've been working on reconnecting in other ways.  Once a week I've other been getting together with a friend in the area who I haven't seen in a long time or calling a friend from out of town.  This may not seem like a big deal, but my friendships are the most important thing in my life and I don't want to let any of them lapse.

Getting Lost

I'm reading a book right now that I can't put down.  It's called A Field Guide to Getting Lost .  I'm a fan of the author Rebecca Solnit and loved her book Wanderlust which is an overview on the history of walking.  In her book that I'm reading now she talks about walking again, but more in the form of getting lost.  I've always been a fan of exploring without an agenda and destination in mind.  She talks about that in the book, but also talks about loosing things and loosing people.

I've lost a lot of people that I've been close to over the course of my life so far and what she says on this really resonated with me.  She talks about how when you loose something or someone it is different than being physically lost.  You know where you are, but something is missing.  Even though I'm in my thirties not having a parental figure to turn when I could really use one makes me feel like a child. Sometimes it feels like there is a big void and nothing and no one can fill it.  If I were to be completely honest with myself I think a part of being so comfortable with being single is in part not wanting to get too close to anyone because I'm a little worried that I'll loose them too.  For as extraverted as I come across I keep really deep feelings and fears bottled up inside me even from my closest friends.

Photo by Brilho De Conta 

But I don't want fears and past sadnesses to dictate my future or create barriers between myself and the people I care most about.  I'm wrapping up my 32 before 32 and will soon be planning out 33 before 33...gulp, but this idea of opening up more is something that I feel will be a part of next year's challenge.  In her book Sonit also says, "Loosing things is about the familiar falling away, getting lost is about the unfamiliar appearing."  That may sound scary, but it also leads to the possibility of something wonderful and unexpected happening.

19 Out of 32: Recognizing the Love of My Life

So when I first started this blog I mentioned that I'm not big on dating.  I'm even less into relationships. My last relationship was over two years ago and even that was merely noteworthy at best.  These past few months have been an interesting progress for me.

This winter I started seeing someone casually.  He was only in town for a few months on a freelance project so we agreed to keep it light.  We had a nice little fling and have not been in touch since he moved back to his home state.  It was perhaps the simplest "relationship" I've ever had.  There was fun, passion, and no hurt feelings by either party.

After that I thought maybe I can do this relationship thing.  So I started dating more and in late spring I started seeing this guy.  Again it was very casual.  We would only see each other about once a week. He was very nice and much more of a gentleman than most of the guys I've dated (I tend to date more frogs than princes).  However we got to that point during dating where things would have transitioned into a relationship a lot of things happened.  I was sick and then I got busy with work.  I kept canceling dates and taking rain checks, or finding excuses to not be free when he would ask me out.  This really nice guy didn't bolt, but was patient and never complained.  I felt bad that I just had too much going on in my life and ended up breaking things off for good.  My sister asked why I didn't just say I'm having a couple of crazy weeks and see if we could pick up in a few weeks.  That's when it hit me, I didn't do that because despite him being a nice guy whom I had a lot of common interests with and physical chemistry, I just wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

This got me thinking about relationships, dating and where they fit into my life.  I feel like the past decade of my life has been a cycle of not dating for long periods then serial dating because I thought that's what I should be doing.  I've rationalized all the reasons why dating was hard for me:  I wasn't pretty enough, I was a magnet for undesirable guys, guys whom I would be interested in weren't interested in me, I was too busy, etc.  I sat down with the truth which is I'm not in a relationship because...I don't want to be.

I'm not single because I have shortcomings.  I'm single because I choose to be. I had a very dear friend and mentor who gave me some good advice this winter when I was having my casual relationship.  He told me that because I love my job so much and am so invested in it I was going to have to make a choice.  He told me that I'd have room in my life for one other thing.  He said I could have a side project, a relationship, a hobby, etc but that to do both my job and my other thing well and personally be satisfied I'd have to choose just one thing outside of work.  I've made that choice and I choose me.  I choose to focus on writing projects that allow me the creative outlet I need, giving myself time to lead an active and healthy life, and being open to new experiences and journeys.

Does this mean I don't date?  No.  This means I am open to dating and the possibility of seeing where that could go, but not pursuing a relationship.  If I find someone who suddenly becomes priority enough for me to carve out the extra space in my life then so be it, but it isn't something I'm concerned about.

I've always known that if I remained single that I would be okay, but I'm finally embracing that I perhaps would actually prefer my life that way. When I'm an old lady (who will no doubt be senile with half a dozen bunnies running around her apartment) I want to think back on my life and make sure that I filled it with the things that were most important.  If I don't have a partner, spouse, or kids I don't think I'll regret that as much as I would waking up realizing that I gave up on professional dreams and personal aspirations because I was focused on finding a relationship. Do I have moments where I'm at a party of all couples and think why don't I have that...you bet your ass I do.  But, at the end of the day those moments are fleeting and the pros of being single outweigh the cons for me.  Unless that scale suddenly flips...I've found the love of my life and it's me.

Quotes

Like all writers I am also an avid reader.  I am always absorbing new fiction, non fiction, and discovering classics.  I do have a set of titles though that keep bringing me back to them.  They're like old friends and rereading them can transport me to the first time I read them.  Since this is the month of Valentines, sappy cards, and expressing your love for others, I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from books. Whether with someone or single I gravitate back to these words and reflect on relationships both past and present.  Whether the relationship is romantic, a friendship, or with ourselves it constantly needs to be nurtured.  

“Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.” -(Anne of Green Gables) Lucy Maud Montgomery 

I was seven when I first read Anne of Green Gables and proceeded to read the entire series.  I loved watching Anne grow and mature, yet stay true to herself.  Anne Shirley is still one of my role models.  I still refer to my closest friends as my kindred spirits.  

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'  -(The Velveteen Rabbit) Margery Williams

I loved this book as a child and revisited it recently since I got my own rabbit, who is very real.  ;)  This passage always makes me cry.  It is about a stuffed bunny asking how one becomes real.  The horse goes onto explain that the rabbit will be quite worn and tattered before he is real and the rabbit wishes he could be  real without having to go through that.  When you think about real life the people who we become the most "real" for are the ones who see us at our worst.  They see us through life's hardships and when we are at rock bottom.  They love us even more after we've earned our battle scars.  

(i do not know what it is about you that closes 
and opens;only something in me understands 
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) 
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands -(somewhere i have never traveled) e.e. cummings 

I was first introduced to e.e. cumming's poetry when I was in high school.  To this day he is still one of my favorite poets and this poem still touches me.  I always find myself thinking about this poem when I'm infatuated with a new gentleman.  

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” -(journal) Henry David Thoreau 

I became a fan of the Transcendentalists in college and Thoreau was may favorite.  I know everyone is a devotee of Walden and Civil Disobedience but I must confess that I'm more a fan of the essays and his journal.  I reflect on this quote when it comes to me and my writing.   I never want to write about something I know nothing about, that wouldn't be genuine to me.   

“Look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time: Thus is your time on earth filled with glory.” -(A Tree Grows In Brooklyn) Betty Smith.  

I didn't read this classic until I was 25 and had just moved to NYC.  I was living in Brooklyn at the time and my mom sent this to me as a joke.  I have read this book a couple of times and love it dearly.  I feel a kinship with Francie Nolan that I did with Anne Shirley.  So many things about her relationship with her parents and younger sibling ring true to my childhood.  I love this line and in my personal life I take it a step further.  You should always look at everyone as though you are seeing them for the first or last time.  Say what you mean to and show them the love you have because you don't know when you'll have the opportunity to in the future.  

Love

Valentine's Day is a holiday that most people love or boycott with a passion.  I personally fall somewhere in the middle.  I love vintage cards and bringing in treats for friends and coworkers.  But, I don't go in for the whole romance thing.  Even when I'm seeing someone around Valentine's Day I think it is better to do something low key since saying and showing someone that you care should be something you do everyday.

Photo by Leland Francisco 

This year I found myself in the in between being in a relationship and single.  I've been here before and it can be a confusing place.  I started seeing someone and we really like each other.  We have a lot of common interests, have great conversation, and the chemistry is fantastic.  Under normal circumstances we could have a relationship, but he doesn't live here and is only temporarily here for work.  I'm okay with the arrangement of seeing each other, but not pursuing this as something that will last beyond his stay.  It's good to have a fling every so often.  I find myself particularly guarded though,  I didn't want to do anything for V Day because I think it creates a lot of pressure.

What I do have to keep in check is myself.  Whenever I'm in this in between sort of relationship I have to ask myself is this perhaps the best type of relationship for me since I am so focused on work and other things in my life or do I allow myself to have something casual and temporary because I don't think I'm worth more than that.  In truth I don't know the answer, but I'm a work in progress.

So what is it I want in the future?  I don't have a biological clock issue.  I've never thought I'd be incomplete if I didn't get married or have kids.  I haven't ruled those things out as possibilities, but they aren't things I really think about.  I do think that I would like companionship in the future.  I'd like a guy whose my best friend and lover.  I don't know if that means marriage or even living together, again those aren't things I get hung up about, but the sliver of a hopeless romantic in me thinks that there is someone out there for me.

But enough with the mush.  If there is one thing I have learned it is I'd rather be single than with the wrong person.  I continue to be open to the possibility of love, but it isn't something I let consume me.

Balance

Photo by Nathalie Babineau-Griffiths 

Balance is something that I think everyone struggles with at one point or another.  We have so many different areas of our lives: work, relationships, health and well being.  I constantly struggle with the pendulum swing of feeling like if I'm doing really well in one area then I am doing poorly in the other areas.  

One of my goals is to find a better balance in my life.  I need to sweat the small stuff less and learn that not everything in life is a priority.  I am a type A person who always thinks that I could be doing a better job.  I don't want 2014 to be the year of work success, having the best relationship of my life, or taking a long self reflective journey.  If any or all of those things happy that's gravy, but I want this to be the year of balance.  I want to say no when I'm being asked to take on too much, I want to make time for friends, but feel comfortable saying no to invites when I just need a day to myself, I want to put myself out there and date more, but not stress about finding Mr. Right, and I want to be truly comfortable in my own skin.  That sounds like a lot and perhaps it is, but balance is sort of like your spine: if one vertebrae is out of whack your whole back hurts.  

So let this be my year of balance.  I'm going to focus on each of the areas of my life and give them a little bit of equal attention rather than obsessing over just one of the components that make up me.   

Photo by ga.mike