32 Out of 32 Celebrate My Birthday

This might seem like a silly and almost self centered thing, but celebrating my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me.  I love celebrating other people's birthdays, but never really cared that much about my own.  When I started this blog I mentioned that my mom passed away a few days before my 30th birthday.  What I didn't mention was that her funeral was on my 30th birthday.

It has become really important to me that my birthday not be this sad day that I don't look forward to each year.  Instead I wanted it to be something to celebrate.  Spending time with the people in my life who are either my family or are now family by extension is the best gift I could ask for.  Sometimes I feel like a little lost girl and when I see the messages and cards from people far away and experience the hugs and and conversations with friends near by I'm reminded that I'm not alone and I'm actually the luckiest girl in the world.

This year has been a crazy journey towards balance.  Is it over?  Of course not.  Balance is always in flux and something to strive for.  It is something I will continue to work on, but on to another year and another set of challenges.  I'm looking forward to what 33 before 33 has to offer.

25 Out of 32: Reconnecting

I'm very lucky because I have friends all over the place.  I've lived in four different places and have friends in all of those cities still as well as friends who have moved to other places.  One of the hardest things has been maintaining friendships when you no longer live in the same place.  I've also found as I get older and my work life has become a bigger priority it has also become harder to find time for friends who do live in NYC too.

Photo by Billy Brown 

In the past few months I've made a concerted effort to reconnect.  I'm not a big emailer or texter...call me old fashioned. So I've been working on reconnecting in other ways.  Once a week I've other been getting together with a friend in the area who I haven't seen in a long time or calling a friend from out of town.  This may not seem like a big deal, but my friendships are the most important thing in my life and I don't want to let any of them lapse.

Quotes

Like all writers I am also an avid reader.  I am always absorbing new fiction, non fiction, and discovering classics.  I do have a set of titles though that keep bringing me back to them.  They're like old friends and rereading them can transport me to the first time I read them.  Since this is the month of Valentines, sappy cards, and expressing your love for others, I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from books. Whether with someone or single I gravitate back to these words and reflect on relationships both past and present.  Whether the relationship is romantic, a friendship, or with ourselves it constantly needs to be nurtured.  

“Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.” -(Anne of Green Gables) Lucy Maud Montgomery 

I was seven when I first read Anne of Green Gables and proceeded to read the entire series.  I loved watching Anne grow and mature, yet stay true to herself.  Anne Shirley is still one of my role models.  I still refer to my closest friends as my kindred spirits.  

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'  -(The Velveteen Rabbit) Margery Williams

I loved this book as a child and revisited it recently since I got my own rabbit, who is very real.  ;)  This passage always makes me cry.  It is about a stuffed bunny asking how one becomes real.  The horse goes onto explain that the rabbit will be quite worn and tattered before he is real and the rabbit wishes he could be  real without having to go through that.  When you think about real life the people who we become the most "real" for are the ones who see us at our worst.  They see us through life's hardships and when we are at rock bottom.  They love us even more after we've earned our battle scars.  

(i do not know what it is about you that closes 
and opens;only something in me understands 
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) 
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands -(somewhere i have never traveled) e.e. cummings 

I was first introduced to e.e. cumming's poetry when I was in high school.  To this day he is still one of my favorite poets and this poem still touches me.  I always find myself thinking about this poem when I'm infatuated with a new gentleman.  

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” -(journal) Henry David Thoreau 

I became a fan of the Transcendentalists in college and Thoreau was may favorite.  I know everyone is a devotee of Walden and Civil Disobedience but I must confess that I'm more a fan of the essays and his journal.  I reflect on this quote when it comes to me and my writing.   I never want to write about something I know nothing about, that wouldn't be genuine to me.   

“Look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time: Thus is your time on earth filled with glory.” -(A Tree Grows In Brooklyn) Betty Smith.  

I didn't read this classic until I was 25 and had just moved to NYC.  I was living in Brooklyn at the time and my mom sent this to me as a joke.  I have read this book a couple of times and love it dearly.  I feel a kinship with Francie Nolan that I did with Anne Shirley.  So many things about her relationship with her parents and younger sibling ring true to my childhood.  I love this line and in my personal life I take it a step further.  You should always look at everyone as though you are seeing them for the first or last time.  Say what you mean to and show them the love you have because you don't know when you'll have the opportunity to in the future.  

Love Letters

There is no better surprise when you drag your tired ass home on a typical weeknight after a day of work and errands to find mail (aside from bills) waiting for you. Tonight it was so nice to come home to a card from my friend Sam who lives in Cleveland.  It was a just because note (in my opinion the best kind of note) saying that it was nice seeing me when I was in town last month and just reinforcing how important our friendship is.

I am a huge fan of snail mail and personal notes.  Email is great and convenient at work, but I hate it in my personal life.  My good friends know if they want to reach me by email to email me at my work address because I check my personal email once or twice a month these days if I'm lucky.  My really good friends know not to email me at all but communicate with me some other way.  

When I was in Cleveland and cleaning out my mom's house I was going through my things from childhood through to grad school and one of the most precious things I came across were letters and notes I had saved from college.  These included drawings and notes from little girls I babysat in high school writing me to say they missed me since I had moved, letters from my friend Tommy who graduated a couple years before me and was sharing his experiences volunteering in South America, notes from my girlfriends Elissa, Julie, and Amy where we bared our souls about our fears and dreams for the future.  

I used to be so good a writing notes and cards.  Now aside from Thank You notes I'm really bad at it.  I want to make writing letters and notes more often part of my journey towards balance this year because it is something that is important to me. Getting mail like my note today and rereading these old letters makes me feel so amazing. It is a reinforcement of being loved and valued by others.  I want my friends to experience the joy of coming home to a random note just telling them how much they mean to me.  

I'm sure I come across as a bit sappy and I probably am.  However through losing family and friends over the course of my life I've come to believe that you shouldn't wait for tomorrow to tell someone how much they mean to you because tomorrow isn't a guarantee...but today is.  

32 Before 32

I spent New Year's Eve 2013 with my friend Jenn, who I've known since high school.  Jenn is one of the most creative and daring people I know.  She had mentioned a Thirty Before 30 Challenge she has been working on.  In between her last birthday and her upcoming birthday she has challenged herself to experience 30 new things she has always wanted or needed to.  I found this really inspiring and so much better than a new year's resolution.

Photo by Sally Mahoney

I missed the boat on doing a Thirty Before 30 Challenge.  I turned 30 a year and a half ago and thought it was going to be this amazing milestone.  However, five days before my birthday I lost my mother who had been diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor two and a half years earlier.  My father had past years earlier after a heart attack.  I've had to grow up a lot earlier than I would have liked to.  Even though I am in my 30s there is still a part of me that feels like an orphaned little girl.  There are moments when life gets a bit harder than normal and at those times I do wish I had a parent to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Although it doesn't substitute a mom or dad I am very lucky to have a number of amazing friends and family members in my life.  Since I wasn't in a celebratory mood for my real 30th birthday they surprised my for my 31st.  My NYC crew of friends took me out for a laid back evening of drinks, eats, and quality time with each other.  My friends Justin and Anthony threw me the nicest dinner party I have ever been to.  They took over my apartment and served a five start multi course feast for a group of close friends and family.  Despite any hardships I have, I know that I can get through them because I have this group of loving and wonderful people in my life.

Since I never had the opportunity to do a 30 Before Thirty, I am challenging myself before my next birthday.  I'll be 32 this August and in between now and then I have a goal to meet.  This is a combination of 32 new experiences to have and challenges to rise to.  I have 25 specific experiences/challenges I have come up with and the other seven I leave to chance (I like to leave room for life's little surprises).

I'll post these 32 experiences here as I complete them.