Getting Lost

I'm reading a book right now that I can't put down.  It's called A Field Guide to Getting Lost .  I'm a fan of the author Rebecca Solnit and loved her book Wanderlust which is an overview on the history of walking.  In her book that I'm reading now she talks about walking again, but more in the form of getting lost.  I've always been a fan of exploring without an agenda and destination in mind.  She talks about that in the book, but also talks about loosing things and loosing people.

I've lost a lot of people that I've been close to over the course of my life so far and what she says on this really resonated with me.  She talks about how when you loose something or someone it is different than being physically lost.  You know where you are, but something is missing.  Even though I'm in my thirties not having a parental figure to turn when I could really use one makes me feel like a child. Sometimes it feels like there is a big void and nothing and no one can fill it.  If I were to be completely honest with myself I think a part of being so comfortable with being single is in part not wanting to get too close to anyone because I'm a little worried that I'll loose them too.  For as extraverted as I come across I keep really deep feelings and fears bottled up inside me even from my closest friends.

Photo by Brilho De Conta 

But I don't want fears and past sadnesses to dictate my future or create barriers between myself and the people I care most about.  I'm wrapping up my 32 before 32 and will soon be planning out 33 before 33...gulp, but this idea of opening up more is something that I feel will be a part of next year's challenge.  In her book Sonit also says, "Loosing things is about the familiar falling away, getting lost is about the unfamiliar appearing."  That may sound scary, but it also leads to the possibility of something wonderful and unexpected happening.

5 out of 32: Captain a Race Team

So in a previous post  I mentioned that for my goal of 32 things before 32 I had 25 prescribed things I need to do and that I would leave the remaining seven to chance.  Well number five is one of those chance things that wasn't planned but happened.

I love doing 5K and 10K runs.  This is amazing because I am a couch potato who only took up running in 2011.  I did the C25K program and in 2012 I did Bridge210K.  I don't run as much in the winter (especially this winter), but I look forward to the spring and fitting in a few runs a week.  I do some charity runs throughout the year.

Recently it was World Cancer Day and some friends and family and posted nice things about my mom, who passed away in 2012 after being diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2010.  I would normally post something too, but this year I wanted to do something less passive.  So I looked for charity runs where the proceeds would go to finding a cure for brain tumors.  I found one in the NYC area in June.  I could have just signed up but instead I decided to become captain of a team.  I gave myself a goal of raising $250 for our team and recruiting 3 other members.  No members yet, but we have raised $115 dollars in just a couple of days.

I have four months to hit these goals, but just the shear act of this is amazing to me.  I never thought I'd be confident enough to captain a team for a run.  I really hope that my mom would have been proud of this.

Daddy's Girl

I had mentioned in an earlier post that I had lost both of my parents.  My mother passed away less than two years ago, but my father passed away 20 years ago when I was 11.  It is so weird to think that you have lived more years of your life without someone you love than you did with them their.  That dawned on me my senior year of college when I realized I'd lived more years without my father than I did with him.

Even though I was young I still have very vivid memories of my daddy.  I can still hear him telling me some of his jokes or feel him giving me a bear hug.  I was young, but everyone knew I was a daddy's girl from day one.  When I lost him it left a big hole in my heart.  Like with any loss time heals things and the hole gets smaller.  You learn to let other people in and love you, but the hole never closes completely.  I'm glad of that for two reasons.  1. Even though it hurts I feel better knowing my heart hasn't completely turned to stone because I can still miss him.  2. The thing that probably makes me the saddest is there are so many wonderful people in my life who will never have the opportunity to know this wonderful man, because they came into my life after I lost him.  Talking about him and remembering him keeps a little bit of him alive for me.

32 Before 32

I spent New Year's Eve 2013 with my friend Jenn, who I've known since high school.  Jenn is one of the most creative and daring people I know.  She had mentioned a Thirty Before 30 Challenge she has been working on.  In between her last birthday and her upcoming birthday she has challenged herself to experience 30 new things she has always wanted or needed to.  I found this really inspiring and so much better than a new year's resolution.

Photo by Sally Mahoney

I missed the boat on doing a Thirty Before 30 Challenge.  I turned 30 a year and a half ago and thought it was going to be this amazing milestone.  However, five days before my birthday I lost my mother who had been diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor two and a half years earlier.  My father had past years earlier after a heart attack.  I've had to grow up a lot earlier than I would have liked to.  Even though I am in my 30s there is still a part of me that feels like an orphaned little girl.  There are moments when life gets a bit harder than normal and at those times I do wish I had a parent to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Although it doesn't substitute a mom or dad I am very lucky to have a number of amazing friends and family members in my life.  Since I wasn't in a celebratory mood for my real 30th birthday they surprised my for my 31st.  My NYC crew of friends took me out for a laid back evening of drinks, eats, and quality time with each other.  My friends Justin and Anthony threw me the nicest dinner party I have ever been to.  They took over my apartment and served a five start multi course feast for a group of close friends and family.  Despite any hardships I have, I know that I can get through them because I have this group of loving and wonderful people in my life.

Since I never had the opportunity to do a 30 Before Thirty, I am challenging myself before my next birthday.  I'll be 32 this August and in between now and then I have a goal to meet.  This is a combination of 32 new experiences to have and challenges to rise to.  I have 25 specific experiences/challenges I have come up with and the other seven I leave to chance (I like to leave room for life's little surprises).

I'll post these 32 experiences here as I complete them.