19 Out of 32: Recognizing the Love of My Life

So when I first started this blog I mentioned that I'm not big on dating.  I'm even less into relationships. My last relationship was over two years ago and even that was merely noteworthy at best.  These past few months have been an interesting progress for me.

This winter I started seeing someone casually.  He was only in town for a few months on a freelance project so we agreed to keep it light.  We had a nice little fling and have not been in touch since he moved back to his home state.  It was perhaps the simplest "relationship" I've ever had.  There was fun, passion, and no hurt feelings by either party.

After that I thought maybe I can do this relationship thing.  So I started dating more and in late spring I started seeing this guy.  Again it was very casual.  We would only see each other about once a week. He was very nice and much more of a gentleman than most of the guys I've dated (I tend to date more frogs than princes).  However we got to that point during dating where things would have transitioned into a relationship a lot of things happened.  I was sick and then I got busy with work.  I kept canceling dates and taking rain checks, or finding excuses to not be free when he would ask me out.  This really nice guy didn't bolt, but was patient and never complained.  I felt bad that I just had too much going on in my life and ended up breaking things off for good.  My sister asked why I didn't just say I'm having a couple of crazy weeks and see if we could pick up in a few weeks.  That's when it hit me, I didn't do that because despite him being a nice guy whom I had a lot of common interests with and physical chemistry, I just wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

This got me thinking about relationships, dating and where they fit into my life.  I feel like the past decade of my life has been a cycle of not dating for long periods then serial dating because I thought that's what I should be doing.  I've rationalized all the reasons why dating was hard for me:  I wasn't pretty enough, I was a magnet for undesirable guys, guys whom I would be interested in weren't interested in me, I was too busy, etc.  I sat down with the truth which is I'm not in a relationship because...I don't want to be.

I'm not single because I have shortcomings.  I'm single because I choose to be. I had a very dear friend and mentor who gave me some good advice this winter when I was having my casual relationship.  He told me that because I love my job so much and am so invested in it I was going to have to make a choice.  He told me that I'd have room in my life for one other thing.  He said I could have a side project, a relationship, a hobby, etc but that to do both my job and my other thing well and personally be satisfied I'd have to choose just one thing outside of work.  I've made that choice and I choose me.  I choose to focus on writing projects that allow me the creative outlet I need, giving myself time to lead an active and healthy life, and being open to new experiences and journeys.

Does this mean I don't date?  No.  This means I am open to dating and the possibility of seeing where that could go, but not pursuing a relationship.  If I find someone who suddenly becomes priority enough for me to carve out the extra space in my life then so be it, but it isn't something I'm concerned about.

I've always known that if I remained single that I would be okay, but I'm finally embracing that I perhaps would actually prefer my life that way. When I'm an old lady (who will no doubt be senile with half a dozen bunnies running around her apartment) I want to think back on my life and make sure that I filled it with the things that were most important.  If I don't have a partner, spouse, or kids I don't think I'll regret that as much as I would waking up realizing that I gave up on professional dreams and personal aspirations because I was focused on finding a relationship. Do I have moments where I'm at a party of all couples and think why don't I have that...you bet your ass I do.  But, at the end of the day those moments are fleeting and the pros of being single outweigh the cons for me.  Unless that scale suddenly flips...I've found the love of my life and it's me.