5 Out of 33: Maintenance

I've mentioned in previous posts about my struggles with weight loss.  This past nine months I've had some interesting ups and downs related to that.  Every weight loss surgery has risks and side effects as a result.  I had lap band which is the least invasive.  It has the least amount of complications and fatalities, but the main reason I chose this surgery was because it is adjustable and you have to be accountable.  Lap Band patients traditionally loose less than patients who've have gastric bypass and other surgeries, but that was something I was prepared for.  I had three weights in my head when I went into surgery:

1. 170: This was my initial goal.  For my height according to BMI charts (which I don't love, but that's besides the point) that would still make me "overweight" but knowing that patients who undergo lap band surgery loose less than others I wanted to give myself a realistic expectation.  I hit this weight about 2 years ago and it felt good.  I plateaued for a bit and assumed that was where I would stop.

2. 150: This was the goal my surgeon was hoping I would reach.  This put me in the "healthy" BMI range for my height.  About a year or so ago I ramped up my cardio a little bit and hit this goal.  It felt fantastic.

3. 130: This was a vanity thing in my head that I never thought I would reach.  I hit this weight about six months ago.  I loved how it looked and I loved the size I was slipping into, but I didn't feel great.

I had developed acid reflux which is a common side effect of lap band and I lost most of those last 20 pounds due to eating little and regurgitating when I ate too much.  Even though this was still a "healthy" weight people were commenting that I looked too thin.  I had some liquid removed to have a looser band and put some weight back on.  The thought of gaining a little weight was scary because there is a part of me that is terrified I'll be obese again, but people commented that I actually looked better.  My weight constantly has been between 135-140 the past few months and it feels healthy.  I occasionally still get episodes of acid reflux but I've learned those are stress induced so I'm trying to minimize stress.

Now I'm in maintenance which is a new place for me.  I'm not training to loose weight, I'm just trying to stay at my current weight range.  Enter in the Fitbit my cousin got me.  I'm not so concerned with tracking calories, but more tracking things like my water intake, sleep, and activity.  I want to see what I need to do to maintain my current size.  If I gain weight at some point I'll have to start tracking food and logging calories again, but for now that isn't a concern.  This is an interesting new chapter.  I've never been in this place before.

Photo by Gadgetmac 

4 Out of 33: Revisit the Vision Board

Last year I was focusing on balance and part of one of my challenges was coming up with a vision board .  I hung it in my living room and lately I've been staring at it a bit bothered by the blank spaces.  I decided to revisit it and add to the board.  It looks less uniform now which is actually more my style, but what surprised me wasn't the aesthetics as much as what I was adding to the board.

When I created the vision board I was filling it with quotes about self esteem and body image because that is what I was occupied with last year.  Not that those aren't things that I still struggle with, but I found myself gravitating to other things.  When I finished the board I realized I was adding quotes about inspiration and motivation.  I think that is because I want to be seen as someone who is inspiring and motivating, but also in thinking about open doors I want to be open to inspiration coming from unexpected places.

 I also found myself adding more images this time around. They were mostly faces of women, not any famous women, but depictions of the type of women from other eras that I admire: flappers, 19th century stage actresses, free spirits of the Flower Power days.  These are women who enjoyed life, weren't dragged down by inhibitions or social norms, and didn't let romantic relationships dictate their life.  I'm not surprised I added these images.  This sounds cheesy, but lately I've been thinking about the scene from my favorite Disney (I know right?) cartoon, Beauty and the Beast where Belle runs out into the field of grandfather dandelions and proclaims, "...and for once it might be grand to have someone understand, I want so much more than they've got planned."  No wonder she was my favorite Disney heroine growing up, I still feel like I've never been in a relationship with a guy who fully got me.  I sympathize Belle.

The other image I added were some butterflies.  I used to be very into butterflies as a kid.  I used to think I was like a caterpillar and someday I'd be something else, something beautiful and confidant.  Another cheesy cartoon obsession from my past was Katy the Caterpillar which was a Japanese film that was dubbed in English.  Katy doesn't fit in with the other caterpillars so she goes off to visit other animals and try and become them, but nothing works until she returns and builds a cocoon.  

I've been thinking about butterflies again, but not really in the body image context.  It is more about metamorphosis to the person I'm supposed to become.  So long story short I want to revisit my board every year.  I want to see where I change and grow each year and what my new priorities become.

3 Out of 33: Dye My Hair a Crazier Color

Last year I went blonde which was something I've always wanted to do.  I'll be going back to brunette eventually, but I wanted to go an unnatural color first.  I experimented with chalk before going pink.  It is a lot of fun.  I've wanted to do this since I was a teenager, but never had the balls.  I'm starting to grow a pair now....about time!

Finding Home

Last month I talked about the theme for this year of trying to see everything as an opportunity and looking for open doors.  This month I've been thinking a lot about home.  What is a home?  Who makes up your home?  I have two wonderful sisters and they are my family.  They both have significant others and extended families as a result.  I don't feel left out by my sisters at all, but there are times where it does feel a bit like odd man out, particularly around holidays.  I'm never left out, but there are times when I choose to bow out of functions because I don't quite fit into the mix.

This doesn't make me wish I was in a relationship.  I actually think that is a really dangerous path I've witnessed some friends go down, pursuing relationships because everyone around them is in a couple.  I don't see single hood as the issue, for me any way.  The issue is what is home?  Who is home?  Where am I comfortable in my own skin?

I've been obsessed with reading books by Rebecca Solnit lately. She writes on topics that are obsessions of mine, walking, getting lost, etc.  In a book of her's that I am currently reading, The Far Away Nearby she focuses on storytelling and empathy.  There was a passage that stuck out to me as I've been reflecting on home.  "...places were more reliable than human beings, and often much longer-lasting..."  That may seem cold, but I've lived in New York for over seven years now.  Friends come and go, but the city is constant.  Is that my home?

Photo by Zara Gonzalez 

Lately I have also been obsessed with purging my apartment of things I don't need/want.  My hope is to eventually update the layout and decor to reflect myself better.  I've always been a renter and never a property owner, yet I'm very interested in making this place feel more like me.  Is my apartment my home?

Friends are also key.  I have friends both near and far.  I don't get to see many of my friends as often as I would like, but my closest friends and I are always able to pick up where we left off.  Is that home?

The answer I think is all of the above are home.  It isn't a place or a particular person, but a weaving of both past and present.  Any gaps I feel or moments of displacement are like rooms that are bare.  They are there I just need to figure out what to fill them with.

2 out of 33: Volunteer

Volunteering is something I've been wanting to do for a while.  I volunteered in high school and college for a variety of different of causes.  I even have done some one off volunteering since being in NYC.  I did want to do something that is semi regular though.  It is hard for me to commit to something weekly, so I wanted to find an opportunity that was flexible and was also for a cause I cared about.

I decided to start volunteering with Rabbit Rescue and Rehab which is where I adopted Milo from last winter.  It is a wonderful experience getting to spend some time with these adorable bunnies and educate people about having rabbits as pets.  I'm loving this and look forward to helping more buns find loving forever homes.

1 Out of 33: 30 Day Creative Challenge

One of my first challenges last year was a 30 day selfie challenge. I like 30 day challenges because it is cool to see what you can accomplish in a defined period of time.  For August I did a 30 day creative challenge based loosely off of one I found on Connection to Creative.

I spent a little time everyday working on a craft, gift, or writing.  Will this be a daily part of my life?  Probably not.  Writing is and I hope to keep it that way.  I love crafting, but it isn't a passion for me the way that writing is.  I want it to be part of my life more though and this challenge was a nice way to jump start that.

This Year's Theme

In my last post I talked about my theme for last year's challenge which was balance.  While balance is something I'll always be working on I wanted this year to have it's own theme and overarching challenge.  There are many things I thought about doing and who knows I may use some of these during a future year.

The one I ultimately chose, hit me by accident.  I was at the dollar store buying craft supplies and they had 2015 calendars out.  I had no intention of getting a calendar.  We still have several months left to go in 2014, I tend to get at least one wall calendar as a holiday gift every year, and I am such a convert to digital tools that I gave up things like paper calendars and planners a couple years back.  However there was one that stuck out to me.

There was one with different doors from all over the world and different quotes mostly around doors opening.  I purchased it...hey it was only a buck...and am using it not as a calendar, but as inspiration for this year.  Is my theme doors?  No.  These images and quotes got me thinking though.  In most areas of my life I'm an optimist, especially when it comes to my friends.  If I had a role in life it would be the cheerleader.  I'm an encourager and I try to be as supportive as possible...to others.  I really stink at doing this for myself.  I see challenges in my own life as roadblocks and when things don't work out the way I had hoped it would I just see doors slamming in my face.  What I want to work on this year is seeing the closed doors as opportunities not failures.  When the door closes on one possibility another one opens it.  I need to take a step back and recognize what options I really have in these situations and if there are opportunities that may be better than the original path I was taking.

Photo by Riccardo Cuppini 

So that is this year's theme and partially why I'm choosing not to have preset achievements.  Let's see where the year goes.

“She knocked and waited, because when the door was opened from within, it had the potential to lead someplace quite different.” -Laini Taylor